Category: personal


And Justice For All

Some days we think we’d sooner stay in bed, on a few of them by the time we come to the end of the day we reflect that had we done so the negative vibes we felt and the possible calamitous events we may have suffered might have been avoided.

Today was not one of them.

Today a simple man was able to go back to his work, he was able to return to his life.  Today the balance is redressed from the overly harsh punishment to which he had been subjected some weeks ago.  It is of enormous pride to me to have been involved at all in him returning to his doting wife and being able to say that the nightmare is over, life can go back to where it was and continue as it has done for the last 26 years not be abruptly brought to an end.  I say simple man with affection not judgement, a man with simple needs, wish to provide a home for his wife and to do his job every day, a man nearly in tears just to learn that tomorrow at 7am he will be back performing his duty.  He wanted to give me money, he wanted to buy me a beer, no no a crate of beer.  I said perhaps one beer would be acceptable, how could I begrudge him that.

Today a humble lady, wronged by someone who should have been supporting her was finally told that she should indeed have been able to expect that duty of care and that she had been treated badly, unfairly and unacceptably.  She was told someone at least was sorry and that they would try to do something about it to ensure such things did not happen again.  She was validated and vindicated, she was believed.  She wanted to buy me lunch.

This is not about self-aggrandisement it is an attempt to ensure that I remember when the days are hard and the efforts seem frustrating and unsuccessful that there are reasons to get up, reasons I do my job and reasons why I should continue to do so to the very best of my ability.  There are more defeats than victories in this job, unequivocal victories are rare and two in one day is sufficiently rare for me to struggle to remember another in my 10 years but at the heart of it there is the knowledge that my victories are not about me, they are about people and their lives and sometimes the returning of equilibrium a little.

Tonight I hope I will sleep well, if I do it will be with peace and the knowledge that I justified my place on Earth and in society today, it was worth getting out of bed and going to the places in which I was supposed to be, two people may be afforded their own good night’s sleep because of it.

Song Of The Day ~ Fréro Delavega – Le Chant Des Sirènes

Final Analysis

Whether love retreat or it advance
owes itself to random chance
would that I could your fears allay
but you’ll find it out yourself some day

naive belief and feckless hope
the brain’s internal gallows rope
as such pray that your neck it breaks
for strangulation longer takes

I ask myself would I again
risk all and end up with this pain
perhaps there’s things I may yet know
but my answer now’s resounding ‘no’

for what once teased a life inviting
from lover’s kiss and all requiting
yielded distance final ruling
exposed a lack of selfless schooling

where pictures, ornaments remember
of August, April and November
a blessed existence hope and pleasure
preserved like frames of gifted treasure

become like concrete under water
each memory a drowning slaughter
to comfort not but showing warning
of toil to come and ageless mourning

I fear each day’s infernal strife
to grieve the one to be my wife
a cause perhaps so self-obsessing
without an end or some redressing

highlighted all where I was failing
I did not heed my dearest’s ailing
assuming all would time becalm
and reunited none would harm

I wrongly left it all to chance
consequent alone shall dance
bookkeeper cannot count the cost
that signifies just what I lost

did I say ‘what’ that should be ‘whom’
for money seldom builds a tomb
though in this case its damage done
without it lost, with it won?

My life to come I’ll analyse
the time since I last saw those eyes
the years since I had felt her touch
will probably reveal as much

had I perhaps her better heeded
might have I constructed what she needed
would we have realised our happy ending
that joined together eternal spending?

as much as all I miss the pleasance
of her enriching, nurturing presence
the lack of love once filled me bursting
has left me parched and constant thirsting

no other cup that dryness sate
no pills can make the ache abate
no mask can face of sadness hide
too great the gnawing pain inside

Song Of The Day ~ Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart

A Passage

Time cannot heal, but brings to kneel, that which might cause us pain
and so we feel, our fate to seal, we’ll never love again.
Where once we soared and felt adored so came the crushing fall,
our heart outpoured with lesions scored the brain a torrid squall.

What did we wrong to silence the song of happy ever after?
No more belong to hopeful throng suffused with love and laughter.
Remember well her sight and smell for such is lost to ether
try not to dwell, you cannot tell of the joy to lay beneath her.

Oh air be still, as wind blows ill and never is it sweeter
ne’er bitterer pill than dreams that still replay when you went to greet her.
If thus my lot it matters not how ably I may embrace it
but finding what might stop the rot is the only way to face it.

The months have passed but peace at last a quest to tame unreason
from succour fast see land from mast does take more than a season.
A cold sweat nightly, clinging tightly, never truly purges.
Though I try rightly to see more brightly with encouraging and urges.

Come what may, as all folks say, the calm will undo sorrow,
find some way if not today perhaps will come tomorrow.
I guess we’ll see just what will be as I will not repeal her
but as I’ve said, until you’re dead, time never is a healer

Song Of The Day ~ Foals – Mountain At My Gates

Ne Déranger Pas

Oh for that fabled sanctic place where smiled the maiden fair of face
The warmth of that which full of grace and reasoned over sea to place

In such who was the blessed child, who thought the world benign and mild
Of good intentions pastille betiled and stared with eyes of wonder wild

Hush wake her not with all your shouts that wear on sleeve your boundless doubts
Reveal your darkened whereabouts that hope and all adventure flouts

What right spoil you her pure naive, and callous swift take of you leave
what sanction would you right receive for thoughts of hope her to reprieve?

Begone internal creature weak whose world of grey of which to speak
where apathy cause love to creak and o’er the world such havoc wreak

By all my sense may I infer fate was not merely mine to err
though try I will to thus concur when all is done what’s lost is her

Song Of The Day ~ Vitalic – Trahison

Impromptu tear upon my cheek
What is your role, what do you seek
Elicited from memories deep
A world long gone you could not keep

As track you make sink dew to skin
Forlorn in hope new life begin
The manner that hint you of grief
illustrate that time brings no relief

Though fleeting be your silvery stain
Emotion whence you came remain
But soon retreats, once more be masked
as daily life more stoic tasked

Betwixt the conscious mundane fate
Flows deeper love through Traitors Gate
The heart beats not on axeman’s block
Through tear-filled eyes at twelve o’clock

Pause not too long beneath the blade
In fear observe the mess you made
Hold back the reemergent tear
Dwell not on now but yesteryear

 Song Of The Day ~ JJ Cale – Call The Doctor

Impeachment

It’s been so long I can’t recall when I last saw your face
But I know that for it to have been the last it was neither time nor place
As your features fade to me and I lose the depths of your brown eyes
A little piece inside my heart tears itself and then it cries.

So long were we apart and yet a part of me you’d remained
Too interwoven now my soul to simply be retrained
To lose as well the friendship from the one I held so dear
Seems the thousandth cut to kill me when not a word I hear

Is it here the story endeth now with fizzle where once was flame
Is it to be in fairy tales where I can solely speak your name
Will time perhaps afford that some love be requited
Albeit knowing from experience that what was once is not ignited

I’d sooner travel with you near me, if no longer at my side
I know without your sense around me I can scarcely take a stride
Perhaps I offer little to entice you as a worthy friend
But I had to let you know that I hope this will not be the end

Song Of The Day ~ That Petrol Emotion – Sweet Shiver Burn

Clichées are very often that because they are true for so many people in a variety of circumstances.  Or perhaps they are clichées because people say them so frequently whether they are true or not in order to say something when they cannot think of anything original, prefering instead to fall back on a hackneyed phrase or mantra that smacks of empathy without really ever putting themselves out on a limb.  No area is more cliché-ridden than that of love.

Most of us have been at the sharp end of the ‘L word’ more than once and to have been so requires us to have first experienced the very reason that makes us take the risk.  The alternative is the life of the comfortably numb.  Is it therefore a panacea that we seek to give the person newly joining the brother- or sisterhood of the lachrymose succour or is it in fact ourselves we wish to reassure that such things have ultimately a karmic balance that will result in the end all our dreams coming true and all our fears being quashed?  If by every emotional catastrophe of others we allow our own belief to be dented then from where can we draw our hope?

You may feel life has meaning and if so this may bring you a sense of order, of balance or at least of some reason.  You may feel that fate has its plans, that there is a reason for everything and a path we are all destined to walk down.  If, like me, you do not hold with any of those tenets then you have to look upon such events in life as being ones that do not resolve themselves and that we as humans are in fact naive to believe they will, not to mention rather self-indulgent in even thinking they should.

Time does not heal it merely clots the wound, allows a scab to form and eventually, after perhaps some picking at it or the metaphorical application of salt by life events and/or people, to be left with a scar that no longer causes physical pain but reminds us of a time when we once felt it and the reasons we were wounded in the first place.  If we are lucky it is scarred in a place that is not so often visible, if we are not then perhaps we will forever wince when something strays near the area, transporting us back to the spectre of what had caused us the pain the first time or maybe just the last time.  Do we stop undertaking the activity that caused it in the first place? That rather depends on how much we enjoyed it, or what enticement there may be to do so again, but we will never be the same innocent participant as we were before, we will have protective clothing and be watching for the blade that cut us.

I am wounded and the blood is yet to clot, the pain is duller now as my brain has become more used to its ache and it has sought to release some endorphins to help me to function at all.  I do not need platitudes I need morphine derivatives, anything else just seems either callous or patronising and neither of those are any more helpful than vacuous clichées!

Song Of The Day ~ Michael Kiwanuka – You’ve Got Nothing To Lose

What No More Will Be

Jack Vettriano, Graham Greene,
the number 6, hidden obscene
so much I saw and where I’ve been.
Venice, Oxford, Sydney too
always my dear entwined with you

Of course Australia’s icons clear,
could I never view again I fear,
without shedding more than just a tear.
For in every landmarks resting place
I cannot fail to see your face.

A country I visited for one sole reason,
to keep love alive not fall to treason
so mattered less the fickle season.
You know a year on soon we reach
since I kneeled before you on that beach.

I do not regret what there I said
nor will I ever afore I’m dead,
it came from heart and not from head.
That piece of me to you is twixt,
which now a point forever fixed.

I’d surprised myself with ardour bounding
which makes it all so magic sounding
explaining now the torrid hounding.
For now the only true recourse,
a grieving lifetime’s slow remorse.

Yet still I feel it’s not enough,
the pain of that weekend rebuff,
the seams it tore callously rough.
For then it wasn’t us to me,
I felt you had long gone, you see?

Advice oft sought so seldom came
just served to show I was to blame
and had traded love for cloak of shame.
Perhaps we drifted long apart,
but that didn’t come from in my heart.

For that I know I’ll always pay
in spite of what others may say.
I’ll miss you ’til my dying day.
I realised long since it was true
there’d never be another you.

Song Of The Day ~ Bombay Bicycle Club – What If?

Misery’s Child

Oh can there be more parlous sight
than a boy who can’t survive the night
a sorry figure who feels the sting
of a lowly, upturned Claddagh ring
not long since on finger proudly sat
what more sad a sign could be than that
staring down as enforced grieving
sees every little promise leaving
with it ebbs all sense of vigour
that cuts a broken listless figure
can there really be one more of sorrow
than knowing it’s the same tomorrow

Song Of The Day ~ Little Ann – Deep Shadows

Oh my dearest Honeybear
why couldn’t you be here not there
why did you live o’er all those waves
preventing all that loving craves
a barrier to all that feeds
the gentle touch and all our needs

Oh my dearest Honeybear
how could we not have seen the flare
how did we change our sailing course
depleting so our strength’s resource
a hammer blow our warm embrace
the succour of your fairest face

Oh my dearest Honeybear
what drives me now I know not where
what can I from existence glean
remembering what I had foreseen
a cogent sense of where we’d go
the proving of the love we’d know

Oh my dearest Honeybear
who else could now with you compare
who takes my hand to walk the line
entreating sun to start to shine
a reason to rise up each day
the softly whispered words you say

Oh my dearest Honeybear
which path I take could ever care
which purpose now for life’s pursuit
promising what is henceforth moot
a fragile cliff edge fingers slip
the skin down to the bone does rip

Oh my dearest Honeybear
when will we meet again somewhere
when might we such love reconcile
transcending long o’er many a mile
a love that I cannot eschew
the life I dread begins anew

Song Of The Day ~ Obi – Somewhere Nicer