Category: Satirical Songs


They Still Haven’t Found What I’m Eligible For (to the tune of U2′ I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For)

I have climbed the highest staircase
I have jumped through the hoops
only to feed myself
only to feed myself
I’ve had to stand, had to crawl
I have filled in all the forms
all the forms
only to feed myself

But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for
But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for

I have kissed workplace arses
felt the loathing in the furtive glances
it burned like ire
with me deep in the mire
I’ve not heard any tongues of angels
but I have held my hand out to devils
it was cold in the night
I was kicked like a dog

But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for
But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for

I don’t believe the day will come
when right-wing bastards would bleed into one
bleed into one
But yes I’m still dreaming
You bought your bonds
Your private planes
You profited handsomely
and caused my shame
oh my shame
You know I can prove it

But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for
But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for

But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for
But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for

Song Of The Day ~ U2 – I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

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There’s a chancellor who’s sure, all that glitters is gold,
and he’s buying us a highway to Hades
when we get there we’ll know, if the banks are all closed
that they pulled up the ladder behind them
ooh ooh buying us a highway to Hades

there’s a sign in the forecasts but he wants to be sure
cause you know sometimes figures have two meanings
in a department off whitehall there’s a civil servant who sings
sometimes all the economists are mistaken
ooh it makes me angry
ooh it makes me angry

there’s a feeling I lose when I watch all the news
and my spirit is crying for this country
in my thoughts I have seen golden parachutes for the mean
and few voices from those who stand looking
ooh it makes me angry
ooh it really makes me angry

and it’s whispered that soon we will not avoid the doom
and the papers will fuddle our reason
but a new day may dawn if we unify the throng
and the 99% will have victory

If there’s a picket at your workplace, don’t be alarmed now
it’s just the poor with no pensions
yes there were two paths we could have gone down but in the long run
there was no choice but to change the road we were on
and it made me angry

your money’s worthless and it’ll all go, in case you don’t know
the strikers are urging you to join them
politicians can you hear the battle cries, and did you realise
your highway leads you to guillotine

and as we career on down the road
our pride was gone but not our soul
there walked a spectre we all know
who wore black shirts and wants to show
how everyone just wants their gold
and if you protest very hard
the change will come to us at last
when we are one and one is all
to stand and fight not lie and fall

and we’ll send them on their highway to Hades

Song Of The Day ~ Led Zeppelin – Stairway To Heaven

(To the tune of Bob Dylan’s Subterranean Homesick Blues – with the usual apologies)

George’s in the Treasury
geeing up the cabinet
I’m on the pavement
thinking bout the government
the students in their Nike coats
placards up, pissed off
say that they’ve been ripped off
want their debts all paid off
look out kids
Uni’s something you did
God knows when
we will afford it again
Better shoot up to Scotland
where education’s still free
the man here in the mortar-board
has your university degree
wants nine grand down now
when you already pay three

Maggie comes out of hospital
glum faces over all
hoping that the next fall
might finally be fatal
country’s right-wing anyway
Maggie says she’s ok
after election in early May
orders from the USA
look out kids
don’t matter what you did
walk outta Millbank
news reporting of it stank
better stay away from police ranks
when they’ve just been outflanked
ship of truth has long sank
you don’t need to be a judge
to know someone’s gotta walk the plank

Get sick, fresher’s flu
hang around the SU
will you get your 2.2
try hard, gold starred
EDL, Daily Mail
get jailed, pay bail
join Daddy’s business if you fail
look out kids
you’re gonna get hit
by users, cheaters
election losers
hang around lecture theatres
teachers in academy school
lookin’ for a new fool
don’t follow leaders
watch the plight of ‘readers’

get born keep warm
designer pants, romance, circumstance
get stressed, pope blessed
pay to be a success
screw her, screw him, drunk yob
don’t open your gob
twenty years of debt for schooling
and they stick you in a dead-end job
look out kid
they keep it all hid
have a 2nd life on the internet
make yourself forget
the congenitally onset
of diseases which’ll beset
don’t wanna be a freak
you better not speak
might end up a Wikileak
the future’s really this bleak


Song Of The Day ~ Bob Dylan Subterranean Homesick Blues

Tories Of Millbank

(To the tune of U2’s Angel Of Harlem)

It was a cold yet bright November day
12 noon start, Horseguards Parade
Banners reading “Fuck the Fees”
Education brought to its knees
by the Tories

Parliament Sq and a big red bus
today this city belongs to us
not the Tories

Anger, this rage won’t let me go
such bile…for the Tories of Millbank

Tate Britain on our route
but first we pass the faceless suits
we got anarchists and a red/black flag
Sally says we have to resist the Tories

Aaron Porter got shallow eyes
we see the truth behind his lies
Tory

Anger, this rage won’t let me go
such bile…for the Tories of Millbank
Tories of Millbank

They’ll steal your education, and then your soul
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
yeah yeah, right now

Blue lights on the avenue
riot police are coming through
fire extinguisher, flooded stair
how many really got in there
kettled you, lost liberty
up on a charge with 43
red flares exploding in the street
strike fear into the blue elite
Tory in a Lib-Dem tie
Betrayal, pack of lies
You never looked like an angel
Nick Clegg, another Tory of Millbank

Tories, Tories of Millbank

Song Of The Day ~ U2 – Angel Of Harlem

(To the tune of The Kinks’ Village Green Preservation Society)

We are the Thatcherism Preservation Society
God save Mondeo man, 4x4s and sobriety
we are the ‘Call me Dave’ appreciation society
God save the school runs and middle England propriety
Preserving the Home Counties from being abused
protecting tax loopholes for the few
what more can we do?

We are the my back yard preservation society
God save nuclear fuel and the lack of eco anxiety
we are the house extension appreciation consortium
God save planning consents and all those who were awarded them

we are the Jane Austen English-speaking vernacular
help save Fred the Shred, and pater’s gas-guzzling Jaguar
we are the pious few assured of our own divinity
God save Harvey Nicks and born-again virginity
we are the immigrant condemnation affiliate
God save the Euro sceptics, water-boarding and dinner plates
Preserving the Home Counties from being abused
protecting tax loopholes for the few
what more can we do?

We are the Thatcherism Preservation Society
God save Mondeo man, 4x4s and sobriety
we are the ‘Call me Dave’ appreciation society
God save the school runs and middle England propriety

God save Mrs. T

Song Of The Day ~ The Kinks – Village Green Preservation Society

(To the tune of U2’s Where The Streets Have No Name)

I’m too skint to run, too old to hide
I have to take out the furniture
that I have inside
I want to reach out
for just a few quid more
to stay where the streets have no poor

I want to feel Southern light on my face
I’ve seen the cockneys disappear
without a trace
I need to call Shelter
if anyone’s there any more
where the streets have no poor

where the streets have no poor
where the streets have no poor

they still claim there’s
affordable housing
outside the M25 ring
and when I go there
you can’t afford not to come too
it’s all we can do

the city’s affluent
but our car’s turned to rust
we’re evicted and cleared by the Tories
who betrayed our trust
I’ll show you a place
high on the Yorkshire moor
where the streets might still have some poor

where the streets have no poor
where the streets have no poor

they’re still building
their mansions in fields
as the welfare state yields
and when we go there
you’ll just have to come too
it’s all we can do

our dreams turned to rust
the writing is now on the wall
and they just don’t care at all
oh I see our fate
see our bank balance bust
the writing is now on the wall
they just don’t care at all
oh when I go there
you just have to come too
it’s all we can do

Song Of The Day ~ U2 – Where The Streets Have No Name

Another in an occasional series where I butcher a classic song all in the name of amateur political satire.  Some might say I will rot in hell for this.  Those who know me will tell you my place in the inferno had long since been assured!

Gordon Brown, complexion like slate
face as sour as a drunk with no mates
for this BA fight
he stands ‘gainst Unite
conservative clown that is Gordon Brown

Every election just like the last
the idiots forget transgressions past
now they’ll all think Dave
is the man who will save
their ring-wing towns from Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown dour old Scot
fit for government his party is not
and so parties war
for who will cut more than the
conservative clown that is Gordon Brown

There’s but a fag paper ‘tween him and Dave

Keir Hardy would spin in his grave

Song Of The Day ~ The Stranglers – Golden Brown

With sincere and heartfelt apologies to the late great Ian Dury

Why did you get up out the bed
Why did you get up out the bed
Why did you get up out the bed
Why did you get up out the bed
Why did you get up out the bed
Why did you get up out the bed
Why did you get up out the bed
Why did you get up out the bed
Why did you get up out the bed
Why did you get up out the bed

Reasons to feel bollocks, part three

1 2 3

Cold North wind in Winter, sexing of a sprinter,
taking out a splinter and rain
US War on terror, measles mumps rubella,
chicken salmonella and period pain

Articulated lorries, landfill in the quarries
a politician’s sorries plus expenses
Ryanair union-busting, Would-be leaders husting
bankers fiscal lusting – nuclear defences

Channel 4 Big Brother, my bloody children’s Mother
voting for the other – Pussycat dolls
All of Dan Brown’s books, too many TV cooks
the boss’s dirty looks – gangsta’s molls

swine flu epidemic, conservative polemic
redundant academic – the BNP
plague of fecking wasps, fundamental mosques
Yeltsin from Sverdlovsk – herbal tea

Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three

1 2 3

Health Service cuts,
being kicked in the nuts,
clothes from sweatshop labour

Sarkozy in Paris,
Living next door to Alice,
death of Richard Harris

no sex for a while, Jeremy Kyle
a dose of Johnny Giles

High School Musical 3, get nothing for free
Nintendo Wiinjury
taramasalata, markets that won’t barter
we don’t need no modern Magna Carta

nothing left to study, blocking online buddy
30-something fuddy duddy
extraordinary renditions, ignoring of petitions
freeze of pay and conditions

lack of any silence, domestic violence
no social conscience

Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three

1 2 3

No, no dear dear
Perhaps next year
or maybe even never

in which case

Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three

1 2 3

Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three

1 2 3
Reasons to feel bollocks, part three

Song Of The Day ~ Ian Dury And The Blockheads – Reasons To Be Cheerful Part 3

They seek him here, they seek him there
Doncaster’s new, elected mayor
he wants to hide the nasty bits of his party beliefs
cos he’s a dedicated follower of fascism

And when he does his little rounds
of council offices in Doncaster town
telling people randomly he’ll cut out all their jobs
cos he’s a dedicated follower of fascism

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)
He thinks he is a paragon of virtue
and when he’s interviewed and shown to be a proper twat
he feels a dedicated follower of fascism

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)
He plans to half his mayoral salary
but the rest of all his policies are all against the law
cos he’s a dedicated follower of fascism

They seek him here, they seek him there
the BNP and Tony Blair
everywhere the blazered brown shirt army marches on
each one a dedicated follower of fascism

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)
There’s one thing that he hates and that is foreigners
But one week it’s immigration and the next it’s ban Gay Pride
cos he’s a dedicated follower of fascism

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)
He likes to come across as Mr Rational
but when confronted with the facts the toys are all thrown out the pram
cos he’s a dedicated follower of fascism
he’s a dedicated follower of fascism

(Profuse apologies to Ray Davies)

Song Of The Day ~ The Kinks – Dedicated Follower Of Fashion