Tag Archive: satire


They Still Haven’t Found What I’m Eligible For (to the tune of U2′ I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For)

I have climbed the highest staircase
I have jumped through the hoops
only to feed myself
only to feed myself
I’ve had to stand, had to crawl
I have filled in all the forms
all the forms
only to feed myself

But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for
But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for

I have kissed workplace arses
felt the loathing in the furtive glances
it burned like ire
with me deep in the mire
I’ve not heard any tongues of angels
but I have held my hand out to devils
it was cold in the night
I was kicked like a dog

But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for
But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for

I don’t believe the day will come
when right-wing bastards would bleed into one
bleed into one
But yes I’m still dreaming
You bought your bonds
Your private planes
You profited handsomely
and caused my shame
oh my shame
You know I can prove it

But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for
But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for

But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for
But they still haven’t found
what I’m eligible for

Song Of The Day ~ U2 – I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

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It still never ceases to amaze me the sort of stuff that is out there, scary, weird or just plain shite. They have amused me for some time and this is probably the last selection I will do. Go forth my children find the crap that is out there and publicise it for wider ridicule!

Eulenspygel

Eulenspygel 2

Everything about this is just wrong wrong wrong! I could make a comment about out of the frying pan…etc but frankly I just feel ill and breakfast is looking considerably less appetising!

Orion

Orion – Reborn

Bless his little cotton socks, he’s trying so hard to be “reborn” but in all seriousness Orion isn’t fooling anyone behind that camp mask and equally camp pose, I mean wearing that ensemble it could only be one man. Been a while since we saw partings that low too!

Swampp Dogg 2

Swamp Dogg – If I Ever Kiss It, He Can Kiss It Goodbye

Another offering from Snoop’s Dad proving that like father like son he ain’t going for none of that homo shizzle!

Boned

Boned – Up At The Crack

Bit of Morning Glory going on for Boned here, that’s got to chafe a bit, and you ain’t getting that back inside those tight strides

Stryken

Stryken – First Strike

Ah the 80s where men weren’t afraid to dress in spandex even if it made them look like dodgy wankers! With the benefit of hindsight, Stryken probably wish that they’d been on strike when it came to making the album cover.

Beastiality

The Handsome Beasts – Beastiality

Yer man certainly isn’t looking to feed the pig, he has other things on his mind and the album title leaves us in no doubt as to what this is. The fat hog looks pretty pleased with himself and the pig seems quite up for it too.

handsomebeasts04

The Handsome Beasts – 04

The Handsome Beasts again, yer man has got a little older, and presumably shaved his beard so as to escape the cops and farmers who be out for him, he’s still a bit of a pig fancier, tho’ he’s developed a bit of a habit (sorry!) for nuns in lingerie now and I think if he tries anything saucy on the doberman he’ll get more than he bargained for!

Heino

Heino – Liebe Mutter

[Shudder] Heino is a very very scary man. If I were his Mother I’d be very very afraid, you get the feeling those roses are likely to be the last thing she sees. For the non-German speakers the blue sticker says “A Present For The Whole Year”. This is not a consoling statement.

gaydogs

I really don’t need to step in here do I?! It’s how Paddy is ascertaining just which are the dogs he’s singing for that concerns me!

elliotlawrence

Elliot Lawrence & His Orchestra – Music For Trapping

There was after all a surfeit of your bog standard serial killers in the 60s, but Elliot was a pioneer and in the 50s there seemed to be a gap in the market for decapitation and mounting. Something of an amateur chemist Elliot perfected the procedure known as botox injections in order to preserve the smiles on his victims.

eroticterrorism

Fundamental – Erotic Terrorism

Erotic terrorism was a new one on me but Fundie’s got a big weapon and he’s looking for an opportunity to use it.

pilotlight

Music To Light Your Pilot By

It’s a gas! (Sorry!). Dave Lee Travis here got hold of the wrong end of the stick entirely and his missus who’s been freezing her arse off since the heating went off has just bloody had enough and is going to throttle him with his scarf.

chicken

Chicken – Coup De Ville

Nice to see some of the shortlisted guys for the Darwin awards spreading their career net out. Chicken here had the hairstyle and the politics right, but when it came to the pink car with a French name the locals regarded him as something of a homo and potentially a book-reader and he was run out of town. Last seen clearing tables in an Alabama Theme Restaurant in San Fransisco.

harp

The Stanley Johnson Orchestra – Have Harp, Can’t Travel

What a bunch of lads eh, that Stanley Johnson lot, they’re a hoot, ‘course Paddy O’Shaunnessy here didn’t see the humour, he was under the impression that his role in the percussion group was to play the triangle until he turned up for the tour bus to find he got what was left.

milkman

Milk Man – Deerhoof

Obviously since Pac Man work has dried up a little for the ghost population they’ve been forced to resort to desperate measures, but I think the market for games machine violent fruit porn is somewhat limited!

Song Of The Day ~ Arctic Monkeys – From The Ritz To The Rubble

The Original Dodgy LPs

Sixth Dodgy LPs

swede

Jimmy Jenson – Understand Your’e Swede… – And therefore allowed, nay obliged to make grammatical mistakes. Jimmy’s returned home, don’t ask what he’s got in the bag, but the family are a child  down!
addicts

The Addicts Sing – Lively bunch of lads the addicts, make sure you pay them for their time or things might get nasty!

pooh man

Pooh-Man (MC Pooh) – Funky As I Wanna Be – I’m getting the distinct impression that MC Pooh is not so named on account of his great love for AA Milne. That being said since he does look like he’s being born again literally, anything is possible. That has to hurt though he’s a big lad!

pushpush

Herbie Mann – Push Push – Ah now, if Herbie speaks to MC Pooh there I get the feeling he may well be able to push push that flute somewhere inventive.

theeyes

The Love And Terror Cult – Lie – Those of a nervous disposition look away now, bugger too late. Now would I be right in thinking that there’s a great deal more terror in the cult, the lie in question therefore being the love in the title of the group, someone call Trading Standards, don’t look into the eyes seriously  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

postman

The Best Of The Singing Postman – Thank Christ this is the best of, can you even imagine what we might have had to listen to on Postie’s debut album?

dove

Mike Adkins – Thank You For The Dove – Yeah thanks for the sodding dove, it shat everywhere, here you can have it back now. Peace, I’ll give it a fecking piece of something. Pull!

satanparalyzed

David Ingles – Satan Has Been Paralysed – David aka “The Horned One” doesn’t appear to recognise the irony of his own set design, either that or he’s currently too paralysed to do anything about it.

amason

The Amason Twins – Hallelujah – The Lord’s Coming Again – Halle-bloody-lujah, you’re joking those are the shittest Amazons I’ve ever seen, I mean there’s no attention to detail at all. It’s like looking at the Fat Proclaimers. If I were the Lord I’d be coming to shut Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee up once and for all.

littledavid

Little David And Family – I Feel Like Travelling On – You can’t really blame Little David for dying to get out, look what the fuckers have done to his hair, he appears to be attempting to violate the little girl in the last vain hope that they might at least send him to borstal.

reddfoxx

Red Foxx – Wash Your Ass – Leaving aside the obvious question of how Redd imagines the cow is going to wash its arse what I want to know is why he wants the cow to wash it, what the fuck has he got planned for it that requires that level of sanitation…? Oh sweet diddly fuck no, not that…

Song Of The Day ~My Bloody Valentine – Only Shallow

Those companieros from my old Blog-City days may remember a series I started on dodgy album covers. I wrote 2 entries on some of the weirdest and scariest covers out there No. 1 and No. 2 and yet there were many that didn’t make the original cut, and since I’d had to look at them and endure the ensuing nightmares I didn’t see why you should get away scott free! So here’s my 3rd offering:

drhook
Something Special From Jeff
The original Dr. Hook, a lot of people missed Abu Hamza’s short-lived pop career before he went on to radical Islam. However Hamza decided that he’d have to drop the name Jeff if he was to be taken seriously.

half-assed
Music For Half-Assed Friends
Yeah, fuck ’em, half-arsed bastards, quite right too.


Gerhard Polt – Leberkaes Hawaii
Gerhard was keen to prove he wasn’t just a ham actor and bring home the bacon. Sadly because of the nature of the decapitation for the album cover opportunities became scarcer for the headless Gerhard, who was described as being somewhat wooden.

jimpoot
Jim Post – I Love My Life
Jim wants you to come and play, he likes watersports and the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche.

miketerry
Mike Terry – Live At The Pavilion Theatre Glasgow
Sadly Mike only did the one gig at the Pavilion Theatre Glasgow, the locals didn’t take to his particular brand of entertainment and an unpleasant scene ensued.

cex
Cex – Actual Fucking
It in fact this picture that made Tron guy think he might one day get laid. Cex’s subtlety in their name and the coyness of the album cover was ruined by some berk at the record company deciding the title should be called Actual Fucking.

kidtronik
CX Kidtronik – Krak Attack
Kidtronik decided when someone said his music was a bunch of arse to make something of a theme of the fact.

difference
Demolition Doll Rods – There Is A Difference
Indeed so, vive la deferens!

meccanormal
Mecca Normal – The Observer
It’s true to say Mecca is anything but normal, but she is watching you…

typesofwood
Whirlwind Heat – Types Of Wood
I think you’ll find dear that is the wrong type of wood to do that to, you’ll get nasty splinters you see if you don’t.

organist

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for equal opportunities but I can’t help feeling that not having any hands may be a quite genuine physiognomical impediment to playing the organ, at least if one is to render any tune from it.

karatist preacher

Mike found that his way of breaking the communion bread was a popular novelty, people still complained it was a bit too gritty and difficult to swallow.

christian crusaders

The Christian Crusaders are a flamboyant and charismatic bunch and if you don’t adhere to the message then the lad will sit on you.

cody

Cody claims he’s just come to borrow a feeling, DO NOT LET HIM IN YOUR HOUSE!

Song Of The Day ~Longpigs – Far

Dodgy LPs

Further Dodgy LPs

Fourth Dodgy LPs

Fifth Dodgy LPs

Live At Derby Assembly Rooms

Rob Newman & Mark Thomas

Date: 14/11/05   —   £14.50   —   Other

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Rating:

There isn’t really anything better than laughing a lot and learning at the same time. Besides when 2 boys come up to the frozen North from my part of London it’s only fair to give them some support!

I haven’t seen Rob Newman for a long time, he used to do a double act with David Baddiel who went on to worse things with Frank Skinner. In those days Newman had long hair like mine and wore the clothes of something of a dandy including a rather fine long crimson velvet jacket. These days his hair is shorter and his attire looks as if he is to be appearing in ‘Waiting For Godot’ soon. I hadn’t expected his act to be quite as sharp and satirical and politically to the left as it was. Funny, yes, Newman was always funny, there is a gravitas that comes from the product of a fervent mind for the good and bad things this entails. The modern day Rob Newman is a very astute political activist. A comedic campaigner who is all too aware of the contradictions of the modern world and the ignorance under which we are expected to live. He describes the First World War as being caused by an invasion of Iraq (then Mesopotamia) and not as we are led to believe in the history books the assasination of Archduke Ferdinand.

The historical context is this. Prussia, (most of what constitues modern day Germany) the great emerging military and economic power did not have the oil reserves for the mechanisation it required. It therefore needed the Berlin to Baghdad railway link. Since the Orient Express route already covered the route as far as Istanbul it was only necessary to complete the remaining section. This was of course not the sort of thing the British could allow since there was no way the British could compete with a Prussia running at full tilt. Thus the British mobilised, ironically in Basra, in order to stop German plans. To bring across this sort of information is usually the domain of such investigative heavyweights as Pilger and Chomsky, to make it funny and bring in such gems as the Samarian version of Rock Around The Clock as part of a way to avoid harm when kidnapped in Iraq is first rate.

Newman’s anthropomorphic illustration of the US as the backyard bullyboy with baseball bats mooting out a punishment beating on Iraq for daring to consider changing their oil currency from $ to €, whilst looking up to China saying “I got dis under control, Sur” at the same time Venezuela looks on saying “ey gringo, I think you losin’ your to’ch, years ago you bury this alone, now you got to do it with yo’ beetch” and North Korea drives by in their Hyundai giving the finger out the window and “Fuck you ‘Mericaaaaaaaa” is both very funny and a startlingly good analogy. The dependence on the universal oil currency being $ is rapidly becoming a fragile one for the US and shows all too graphically just how short-term the US’s dominance will be. When Iraq switched to € the value of the € went up by 25% over the following 6 months. Other countries, Iran, North Korea etc. have attempted to follow suit. Miraculously the list of the countries that have sought to make this change is remarkably similar to the ‘Axis of Evil’

Newman is very well-versed on environmental issues and his meticulously researched presentation on the oil situation is tantamount to apocalyptic. Sadly it is all too true if only people can be bothered to research the facts. Someone has done some of the work for you here Figures exist that show we have passed peak production

If I had to some up Rob Newman’s message using his own words it would be that in the light of the impending crisis there is “No Way Out.” The conclusion is clear they might say there is nuclear but the cost and fallout and cycle is not a solution merely another problem. There is hydrogen, but there are no hydrogen reservoirs, hydrogen has to be made and to make almost anything in the mechanised world you require oil.

To be fair Rob Newman was an added bonus, I’d have been happy to see him but I paid my money predominantly being a huge Mark Thomas fan. I have been so for many many years now and every series he does on Channel 4 seems to go from strength to strength and is a far cry from the old Friday Night Live days, when he took to the stage along with another of the then new men of the alternative new left comedy scene Ben Elton. Whilst Elton has gone off to write bestselling novels and musicals with Andrew Lloyd-Weber Thomas has stuck to what he does best and has both retained integrity and developed hugely as a performer into a man approaching the influence and genius of the late great Bill Hicks and that is not an accolade I confer lightly.

Thomas starts his set recounting his gig in Belfast, his opening joke “What’s the difference between Saddam Hussein and the IRA? -Saddam hasn’t got any weapons!” he says went down well after a pause before someone shouted now “we’ll have a joke now about the Unionists for parity so we will!” He duly obliges launching one at Ian Paisley “Preacher of Hate” and how he finds it strange that whilst he refuses to believe that the IRA have given up their weapons he is happy to believe that Jesus was the son of God and the pope is the devil! Paisley, Thomas says, is a scary man who could make anything sound sinister, he proceeds to recount Paisley’s shopping list in barking Belfast tones “2 tins of tomatoes…a packet of oven-ready smily faces.” There is also the fact that Paisley does not believe the IRA has given up its weapons “the man who think Jesus Christ is the son of God and the pope is the devil, we’re only now asking you to believe one little tiny thing here!” Not stopping just with the leader Thomas lambasts the Orange order, a group he describes as “paramilitary homepride men” for marching to almost anything and yet not prepared to fight on the issue of the public right to roam.

Thomas is one of the great do-ers, he researches things and then enacts them much to the chagrin of the establishment. There is without question a lot of serious substance in Mark Thomas’ material, his particular bete-noir at the moment is the arms dealing, Britain is the 2nd biggest arms dealer in the world. There is now a law banning the involvement of any British citizen from any dealings involving stun batons, called the “torturer’s weapon of choice” by Amnesty International. Thomas not only sets up a deal involving British citizens but brokers it in the name of the Minister in charge of arms sales!

Thomas says he likes heckling, (though it would be a foolish person that were to heckle either of the men on this bill) he says how sometimes even if you haven’t thought it through it can be powerful. He regales us of the story of a friend from Newcastle who was supposed to be group heckling the former Secretary for Work and Pensions whilst he was still in office. Upon finding that she was alone on arrival when the Minister arrived she was gripped with passion and bellowed in strong Geordie tones “Blunket, you cunt”. The effect, apparently was that the driver of Blunket’s car was so surprised he reversed into a wall!

Thomas does an encore and then both he and Newman ad lib in a musical poetry slam. This is Newman’s territory and he soon has the audience and Mark Thomas in fits. Not to be overlooked entirely, Thomas shows he is a really quite accomplished harmonica player!

OK, I’ll grant you this was always going to be the ideal comedy gig for me, it has everything I need, it’s very funny, very politically charged and they talk proper like! That being said it will be the yardstick by which all other comedy nights are measured.

You can find the remaining dates on the tour here and because I enjoyed it so much, if you happen to be at one of the Warwick gigs you might just run into me.

Song Of The Day ~ Sky Parade – Losin Control

Having seen Fred Zeppelin’s Top 2
Devastatin’ Dave
“Don’t mess with Dave he’s devastatin”
and
Tino
“This is Tino, he wants to be your friend!”

I think Devastatin’ Dave the Turntable Slave and the very disturbing Tino are tough to beat, but here are my submissions. There’s a common theme with a number of them and they bring the question to mind ‘you think Islam has a funny position on music?’ You may have seen some if not all of these before but I hadn’t and I was feeling acerbic so the comments are all mine. I hope you enjoy reading them, I certainly had a laugh composing flippant remarks.

Aubrey Ghent & Friends
Aubrey Ghent & Friends- Can’t Nobody Do Me Like Jesus
Poor Aubrey found it tough to shake off the unfounded allegations of necrophilia after this album came out, it explains why in the photoshoot for the cover he only had one friend left.

Millie Jackson
Millie Jackson – Back to the Shit
Oh I know how she feels but looking at Millie and some of her other album covers one wonders whether she was ever away from the shit in the first place.

The Louvin Brothers
The Louvin Brothers – Satan is Real
Now, I wasn’t sure whether this was an album cover or a newflash, I’m tempted to say it’s hot stuff whichever! Evidently this was The Louvin Brother’s second posthumous album recorded from beyond the grave. it is comforting to know that they ended up where they belonged.

Country Church
Country Church
Run Dougal, Run, quite fast, quite fast!

Geraldine & Ricky
Geraldine & Ricky – Trees Talk Too
An interesting one this one a wooden singer and the other a ventriloquist dummy, the embodyment of their albums name. That being said they are obviously from one of the nasty haunted forests you always used to read about.

The Cooper Family
The Cooper Family -I’m God’s Child
Jesus’ Illegitimate siblings, what an advert for divine parentage they are. They’ll be Damascine conversions all over the world! Who’s the geezer there tho’ it can’t surely be Him well bugger me!

Happy Louie, Julia & The Boys
Happy Louie, Julia & The Boys -Lots of Love and Peace
Louie’s just happy because he got to Julia first, the boys get sloppy seconds, Julia’s not choosy and she’s even wearing her easy access skirt for the occasion, what a gal!

Nelson
Nelson – Because they can
I wasn’t sure what to make of this one either -the picture of dogs and ‘Because they can’ is this an auto blow job reference or alluding to that fact that Nelson can pass for dogs, I know not.

Father White
Father Robert White – Reverend in Rythym
Oh yes the good old days of pastoral care, Reverend in rythym -rythym musically or rythym method he doesn’t make this clear but you know that pipe has been places you don’t want to even think about, and judging by his expression the good Father is thinking about them right now. He wants you to join his flock.

Bruce Yelton & Upbound
Butch Yelton & Upbound – Swing that gospel axe.
It’s Judgement Day down on the ranch. One presumes Butch is the one yielding the gospel axe and by the looks of his Simon Bates meets Hank Marvin appearance Upbound are about find out whether they live up to their name sooner than they might have expected. Looking at them this may come under the heading of a mercy killing, just so long as Butch is removed from society afterwards everyone’ll be happy.

USAF Sound Effects
Sound Effects – US Airforce Firepower
A reentry to the charts due to the sales in Baghdad it was of course a smash hit first time around in Vietnam. Relive those war sounds all over again, play with your friends the “Who can spot the B-52 noise” For the Baghdad listener this is an invaluable reference tool spin the disk up when you hear the airraid warnings and you too can predetirmine exactly which piece of hardware is responsible for totalling your village.

Music For Hubby
Music to keep your husband happy
Oh yes, hot ‘n’ steamy stuff, can’t you just feel the sex? There was life in the days before Viagra. And you wonder why your Grandad could be a miserable old git?

Freddie Gage
Freddie Gage -All My Friends are Dead
My personal favourite, the question is was Freddie directly responsible for all his friends being dead or was it just a sad coincidence. Those boots can’t have helped, nor his penchant for hanging around graveyards.

Lt Larry Blocker
2nd Lt. Larry Blocker – I Found the Answer
Looking like that one wonders what the hell Larry thought the question was.

If The Bomb Falls
If The Bomb Falls
Now this was a real family favourite, everyone gathering round after Sunday roast and chatting about the apocalypse, when a demented madman had his finger on the button, happy days eh?

Joyce
Joyce
Surprisingly enough Joyce is still looking for love and has price frozen herself at 50c in an effort to attract it.

More Dodgy LPs

Original Comments:

A visitor made this comment,
I’m going to have nightmares now thanks to you.
Pip

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-07 02:24:45’} GMT+01

A visitor made this comment,
do these shits really exist?
heck. i swear, if i’d seen one, it’ll go down the fire immediately. these are killers!!!

rayts

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-07 02:55:41′} GMT+01

haywood made this comment,
Those Louvin bros’ give me the FEAR.
I like where you put the banner, i think it works well there.
okay back to drawing up a charter for the blog alliance.
Haywood AKA… well i have to many to name

Visit me @ http://cjh9999.blog-city.com

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-07 04:46:56’} GMT+01

ale2000 made this comment,
hey redbaron- thanks for being my first commenter. i’m actually far from being done with the phd since on average- it takes about 5-6 years to complete. i just finished the first year…although i still have loads of work to do even before i can even say i’m done this semester.
comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-07 16:34:44’} GMT+01

Lizard Breath made this comment,
ok – I shall not sleep for at least 2 – maybe even 3 days now….eewwwww
lizard.

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-07 21:28:41’} GMT+01

A visitor made this comment,
ummm . . . I can explain the Nelson album cover if you’d like . . . scary but true . . .
Katherine

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-14 05:32:28’} GMT+01

A visitor made this comment,
Thank you. Seriously, I laughed out loud at all of these.
JL

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-05-24 09:11:25’} GMT+01

A visitor made this comment,
oh such classics you have there!! now listen, i was wondering if i could ask a small favour and steal the ‘music to keep your husband happy’ jpg?
i would of course publicly credit you as the source. whaddya say boyo? whaddya say??

🙂

Leah

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-06-20 20:02:04’} GMT+01

Jon Wicker made this comment,
This is great. Where did you find all of these? Too many long hours on the internet?
[Redbaron responds – Yeah that and a mispent youth in record shops so I know these things actually exist!]

comment added :: {ts ‘2004-08-09 02:23:51’} GMT+01

Dave Knybel made this comment,
These are great!
comment added :: {ts ‘2007-02-21 03:03:12’} GMT+01